To What Ends?

In order to transform, it is helpful to have an idea of what you want to transform to.

In my case, my transformative me would include:

  • 0 nicotine consumption
  • 0 prescription drug consumption, while not losing productivity
  • energy during the day, ability to sleep at night
  • a fit body
  • healthitarian relationship with food, that does not display obsessive thought patterns
  • an attitude which seeks to avoid pain by creativity, instead of numbing activities
  • a total absence of fear

The last 2 bullets are tools and perception changes that are the basis of getting to where I want to be, and are universal for humans. I did not get to this thesis easily, as my first reaction was that fear was useful. Fight or flight evolved to serve humans. If I am not fearful, how would I know not to run away from a murderer. Fear is what keeps you from getting you murdered in all those horror movies!

Fear is stimulating, there is no doubt in me to that. However, acting defensively causes me to reach for the closest desensitizing object I can get my hands on. Whether it be food, chemicals, or even tv. This is not solving the source of fear. And to my horror movie thought, ignoring the fact it is a movie, is it really fear that saves those characters? It is logic and action. Fear may be the stimulus, but logic and action are the rewarding response.

Lately, one of my biggest fears is not being productive. I’ve caught myself thinking several hundred times today: “I will be more productive if I had _________.” For today, I have decided to conquer this fear with time management. It seems impossible to come up with a new diet plan for my new job, work, socialize, work out, complete errands, and relax, and I am tempted to throw my hands up in the air and reach for my ADHD meds to complete the tasks, or the vaporizer “to reduce stress” or a snack to produce energy. I decided instead to split my tasks up. For the work task, I decided I can complete it at least 20 minutes at a time. If I felt like I could keep going then I would. I ended up completing half of it in an hour straight. By the time I felt, “that’s enough this is excruciating” I was amazed an hour had already passed. My fear that I can not work on the same activity to the point of completion was vanquished. I continued with other errands then came back to it. The rest of it did require 20 minute sessions. However, it got done. And that’s all accomplishment really is, multiple completions til the end result is a work that is greater than the sum of its parts.

A fear I am experiencing right now is insomnia. The urge is to take a prescribed ambien. Perhaps me neglecting this desire is the intrinsic reward if someone reads this and is helped.

Goodnight

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