School is back in session and so is my tendency towards the extra help.
While the nicotine has been managed and dealt with, the “vye” in vyvanse has returned. What I’ve found is a sense of desperation. I do not reach for it on the weekends or days where I am at work, because when I am with people, I can see through the dopamine boost of vvyanse to how my “boosted” thoughts are not so appealing in interpersonal interaction.
That being said, the resulting focus on schoolwork is not imagined. I breezed through a quiz in 20 minutes (2 hour time slot) with no outside consult to books or googling problem sets and was awarded a 100%. How am I logically supposed to justify stopping? My health does not seem as important as results.
The truth is, I want to be like this naturally, and feel inadequate that I am not.
I am actively seeking courses like Learning How to Learn and similar content. I am engaging in self reflection books such as Louise Hays’ to identify the emotional reasons of feeling reliance on a drug to succeed, as well as The 7 Habits of Effective People to learn the character traits of integrity and discipline to become the kind of person who wouldn’t rely. It’s slow going. Though, I believe it’s possible.
Part of the building my character of integrity is to fully admit the backslide. I refilled my script and have been consuming 15mg a day, ~5 days a week.
Notably: dehydration is back as is: insomnia, anxiety, ease to agitation, lethargy, increase in social, motivation, isolation, over-analyzing, craving, tachycardia, heart rate, and perfectionism. This is on half of the lowest prescribed dose. I still believe this is not an isolated reaction, and that anyone consuming amphetamines, prescribed or not, will have side effects due to the biochemical nature of the compound.
Ever look at something long enough it becomes distorted?
How about watching 40 minutes of Netflix about LA teens + not getting enough sleep last night = trying to make yourself presentable to go out a nightmare.
First you want to cover everything up, but it’s the summer and it looks so wrong and obvious. So you do the opposite, and then you feel like you’re trying too hard. Try something that always looks good and you feel like people will notice you’re wearing that… again.
Totally self consumed thoughts. It’s making me want to reach for a sedative or a stimulant so I can avoid these thoughts. I do not want to go out tonight. However, I am forcing myself to, if at least just for a little while to break the isolation cycle.
Ah. ride is here, will have to cut this short.
We’re only as dirty as our secrets. However, when we surround ourselves with people who are similar to ourselves, our secrets may seem the absolute norm. Smoking, overeating, and even using drugs can be perfectly fine in many circles, as well as a myriad of other potential addictive behavior spanning relationships.
I’d like to address the obvious and the physical. The stuff that has obvious molecular implications and physical effects. For my anecdote, food, nicotine, and prescription drugs.
The significance of the first paragraph highlights exactly why I feel quite alone in the loophole of the acceptable forms I consume the above. I am not overweight and I work out, which gets me out of addressing my relationship with food. Loophole. I consume my nicotine via vapor, which have gotten off defending by producing research articles regarding the safety of vapor in comparison to cigarettes. Loophole. I am prescribed my medication of ADHD, and almost everyone in my field seems to be prescribed it too. Loophole.
The counter to my loophole method is awareness. The cognitive dissonance I experience any time I engage in said behaviors, drives one to still want to transform even when receiving the green light from my society. I do not see myself as “quitting”, I believe that suggests I would be ceasing a part of me, whereas “transforming” means I am just altering the habits I have learned to engage in for healthier ones. This methodology will remove slipups and setbacks to be just part of the transformative process and help avoid all or nothing thinking.
For anyone who can relate, we humans are social beings, it is not a mistake you landed on this blog, I would greatly appreciate to hear from you.
Let’s get this mission rolling.